Resisting Haters & Critics: Energy Vampires & The Heart

An energy vampire recently popped up at a community healing event of Umbanda. Learn how to spot an energy vampire and avoid the emotional chaos and energetic depletion they bring so that you can stay balanced and clear.

Energy vampires abound in our current political landscape and they seek to spread chaos wherever they go. Our lives are busy and difficult enough without the added drama of somebody else's wounding being interjected into our day.

Energy vampires have a two-part strategy:

Part 1: Disrupt

Part 2: Drain

Energy vampires’ goal is to trigger you so that they can feed off your heightened energy. Unfortunately for you, this leaves you weary and depleted. Nobody enjoys being triggered. We feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and upset.

Energy vampires are so mired in trauma that their own energy cannot flow. They are so full of blocks and dislocation that their energy field lacks integrity. To make up for this lack of energy— this emptiness, dullness, and devitalization— they stir up drama to feed from.

This is a step-by-step guide to recognizing an energy vampire and avoiding their drama and drain.

1. Energy vampires choose their audience wisely.

Usually they choose an audience in which they are somewhat of an outsider (have conflicting opinions, beliefs, and so on). This outsider status allows them to feel special and maintain an illusion of superiority.

2. Energy vampires have narcissistic tendencies.

Watch out for someone who always finds a way to make themselves the center of attention: speaking out of turn, not following the norms of personal space, and a general need to stick out in some way. Energy vampires are people drowning in their own wounding, and this pull for survival puts them at the center of the universe. When we feel we are drowning, it's only natural to pull all resources towards ourselves. Energy vampires are unable to recognize that they are not the center of every social gathering, work meeting, grocery-store line, and so on.

3. Energy vampires say or do something triggering, on purpose.

Energy vampires are experts of emotional manipulation. It is their only way of feeling energy flow and vitality. There is no need to feel ashamed if you’re triggered by an energy vampire. They are highly skilled at pushing people’s buttons. Getting triggered is not a reaction that you need to “transcend.” They attack our values. They attack what’s important to us: social justice, gender issues, racial issues, and so on. They choose these sensitive subjects for a reason — because they know it will get a heightened reaction that drains you and fills them.

4. Energy vampires’ method of triggering you is usually passive-aggressive and comes in a guise of goodwill.

An energy vampire’s means of communication is the exact opposite of non-violent communication. In non-violent communication, you say what you mean and you intend no harm. When energy vampires engage with you, they intend harm and they do not say what they mean. This serves them in two ways: 1) it allows them to feel loving, all-knowing, or whatever they need to feel superior; and 2) if you do respond in a way that is openly aggressive or direct, they can blame the confrontation on you and project their shadow onto you— their own hatred, intolerance, and bigotry— onto you. This way they can maintain the illusion of goodness and avoid feeling their own shadow of repressed pain. Now you’re feeling it instead of them.

5. When you are triggered, energy vampires feed off your heightened energy…if you engage with them.

Trying to neutralize or downsize an energy vampire via response is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Unfortunately for you, this leaves you depleted and it also feeds their fire. Also unfortunately for them and for all of us, this boost is temporary so that they have to repeat this behavior over and over. Once they find a person or situation that feeds them— that engages in their drama— they will come back to feed again and again.

6. Being triggered is out of your control, but your reaction is not.

a) Do what you can to get away from them. You can do this physically by finding an excuse to leave the room.

b) If that’s not possible, avoid looking them in the eye. Eye contact feeds them and drains you.

c) Keep conversation extremely short, if at all. When I’m forced to respond to an energy vampire, I say the absolute minimum amount and I continue what I was already doing (looking at paperwork, looking at my sandwich, walking down the hall, etc) or else I look over their shoulder into the distance.

d) If you send enough non-verbal cues of non-engagement, they will switch to another target.

But first….

7) If you manage not to react externally, energy vampires will almost always escalate the situation before leaving you alone.

They will become more obnoxious or even downright abusive. This is a last-shot attempt at stirring up energy to get a response they can feed from. Usually if you manage not to react, they will leave. It's difficult but ultimately rewarding not to engage.

VERY IMPORTANT CAVEAT Not reacting externally and directly with an energy vampire does not mean you have to be a doormat or take direct harassment or abuse. If at work, you can denounce them for harassment. If they are a friend or acquaintance, screen their calls and discretely unfollow them on Facebook. If at a social gathering, you can send someone who wasn't triggered to speak with the energy vampire privately to leave.

Trolls are the internet equivalent of energy vampires and can feed off your energy from afar. It is the opposite of distance healing.

To paraphrase Brene Brown, when we engage emotionally with a hater, critic, or troll, we pull their hatred close to our hearts. We do not want their hatred anywhere near our hearts. It’s not worth the energy.

Save your energy to give to yourself, your loved ones and pets, and your calling.

So how does this tie into Umbanda and African Traditional Religions?

People come to Umbanda to be a part of something. Umbanda is a place where we can let our guards down. Where we can take off our armor and be seen.

The mediums of Umbanda create a very large container for energy flow, and the safety provided by the mediums allows everyone to be open: to receive and also to let go. Mediums make themselves extremely vulnerable during ceremonies; we must put ourselves (our worries and protections) to the side to let divinity work through us. This creates a great feeding ground for an energy vampire.

Energy vampires are steeped in illusions because they are steeped in trauma. They do not see reality or themselves clearly; they are looking through a highly fractured mirror with entire pieces missing. This means that they avoid the pain of confronting their illusions and wounding. Anything or anyone who questions (directly or indirectly) their illusions is a threat. As a result energy vampires are intolerant and close-minded as a protective mechanism.

Energy vampires are also tied into superiority-inferiority. It is all about them. Ceremonies of Umbanda on the other hand are about community. These people make it about themselves at the expense of community wellbeing. Because energy vampires never learned the skills or found the support to confront their own pain, they have a large shadow. Their neglected pain usually has hardened into hatred, and they project this hatred onto the closest and easiest targets.

These targets are usually people of color, women, children, LQBTQ, as well as immigrants and outsiders, including religious minorities. Umbanda hits most of these marks especially here in the US. Many immigrants come to Umbanda in Boulder to find community. Umbanda hails from West Africa and embraces its origins from cultures of color. (Strangely enough, some people avoid Umbanda because it's "too white," not realizing they're applying the same misguided principles as the people who won't go to their Ifa/Santeria/Vodou/Camdomble/etc ceremonies because they're "too black.") Umbanda also has women acting at the highest levels of power. And lastly, Umbanda is a religion. Putting it all together, this is the perfect venue for an energy vampire to attack people’s beliefs, skin color, gender, and sexuality.

Luckily, because the emphasis in Umbanda is collective wellbeing, energy vampires won’t remain for long. If you’re triggered by an energy vampire, try to redirect your energy to the rest of the people present who are there to make something, not tear it down, and instead of pulling that hatred close to your heart, let your heart be filled with us.